Winter soil

I find myself looking for an out.
I want an out,
out of life,
out of love,
out of it all.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm so exhausted,
I can hardly stand it.

I feel sick all the time,
I hurt more than ever.
My soul is like a dead weight,
doing nothing but keeping me down.

If only...
If only there was a way,
to set this burden free,
free of the weight...

Shoulders proud.
Standing tall.
Am I destined to be alone?
No one to share this burden with.
No one willing.

I don't even know.

I wish there was some book.
A book with all the answers.
Some call it the bible,
others... the koran.
I call it nothing,
because it is nothing.

Non-existent,
Naught,
Void,
Blank.

Blank.
Like the newborns mind,
void of thought and knowledge.
Waiting to told and molded,
as society and the paternal hierarchy
deem acceptable.

Had someone somewhere not changed that pattern
we would still be saying 'god save the queen'
But when do patterns go wrong?

I am wishing to be barren...
not in body but in mind and soul.

Barren of what I "should be"

Barren of standards,
I was predetermined to be me,
not by god but by society.

A society that
gave me my meaning,
yet expects me to show them the way to their meaning.

How do I begin to find out who I am?
How do I know?

I want so bad to have a light shine,
if but for a moment.

Like a ray of sun
glimpsed through the parting clouds
on a Stormy spring day,
Life hidden in the cold hard dirt of winter.

Seeking the warmth and love that life brings.

My soul must first harden like the soil for winter,
only then will it be ripe for planting with the warm rains of the spring.

A ray of sun will come one day,
it will find a crack,
and it will warm.

If only for a moment,
a moment gone with a whisper,
a seed must be planted.

Long to bloom but longer to last,
a soul worth living for.
A soul with purpose,
a soul with meaning.

My purpose,
MY meaning.

Only then will the weight be lifted
only then will I be alive.

embrace.