What the hell...

An eternal pit of blackness
A void filled by hate
Leaving nothing but misery
What the hell is happening?

Alone?
Spiral...
Lacking control,
My lungs burn for the burst of air.
Explode.

Always tired
Always pain
No one knows what it is like
Living in constant, persistant pain.
Unbearable.
No drugs for treament.
Chronic...

Try to be perky
Back to faking.
Nothing is the answer.
Back to the old
was there ever a new?

What am I doing here.
Across the country for what?
Nothing aparently.
What I thought was here isn't.
No, I'm alone.
Wishing for a drop of poison,
something to show me the way out.

I don't want to be dropping down again
How can I stop it though?
How do I stop the spiral...
It's never ending.
Why don't you like me?
Why don't I like me?

What the hell am I doing here?

embrace.

Status

Kudos on your symbol
of status and finance
little does it show us
of your true cadence

It does not reveal
The unhappiness you hide
Not this new purchase
On which you draw such pride

The only thing we notice
is the vacancy behind
those eyes which used to sparkle
those eyes which used to shine

Kudos on your symbol
You wish to draw envy
Little do you know
You wish you were me.

embrace.

Oh my word

I am seriously a magnet for retards. How I end up in these situations is beyond me!!! Boys boys boys... Ugh Why is being nice always translated into attraction? I should have learned my lesson by now I know. Still, common courtesy is not a way of me coming on to you! Grrr. It drives me crazy that I now have to break another poor bastards heart! Seriously... I'm going crazy!!!

I'm in love with one guy and sleeping with another... does life get anymore complicated?!!?!

embrace.

Sigh politics

Tis the season. One month from now we will know who is going to replace President Bush in the white house. Now is when the claws really seem to be coming out and things are starting to get dirty.

I've never been one to discuss politics. I'm a non-confrontational person so most of the time I just nod my head and smile and pretend I really care what you're talking about. I notice a trend that very few people's opinions differ from their parents. At least the people I know. Most parents raise their children to be little clones of themselves and discourage any independence, and that's what a lot of people end up being. I've started to enjoy political debates more these past few months. I don't however enjoy people who are obsessive about them.

I have an Uncle that has torn apart my family due to the fact that he is of a different political party then the majority of us. I choose not to discuss politics with my family because all it does is drive us all apart due to the fact that most of us are non-confrontational. I don't like it when people talk to me like I'm an idiot. I'm not, I know I'm not, so it is beyond insulting when people act like I am. I think it is the silliest thing in the world to be so sensitive about. Specially when it isn't even election season!!! We get it... Bush screwed up and so have the MAJORITY of Presidents before them, they're human give them a freaking break!!! There is no point to go around bashing him, cause you can't do much to change it once he is there...

I dunno much about politics, I'm slightly ashamed of this, but I know what my heart tells me and it says "Who gives a flying FUCK who I am voting for, that's my business and I don't need you judging me for that!" Being in Georgia has really opened my eyes. A kid in my class practically said no white people where going to vote for Obama because he is black and that that was the only reason black people would vote for him. So all white people in America are racist (see my blog on racism for my view on that) and all the black people are ignorant and think the country will be fine as long as it's got a black man running it.

Funny thought... will 'The Man' still be 'oppressing' the black if 'The Man' himself IS a black man.



embrace.

Is it possible?

Could it be? Could it really be? Am I? Are we?

I don't see how this could be, how could it happen to me? I doubt it has, but the possibility alone is shocking enough. I can't imagine the changes that might be ahead. Hopfully I wont have any changes to make. Hopfully I wont need to change everything in the near future. I hope I will be able to continue things as planned and not have my life turned upside down for one moments weakness. Please God!

My head feels like it's being pounded in with a sledge hammer. I have heartburn... I NEVER have heartburn!! Oh man. This blows. Gotta go back to the doctor and figure this out.

On a up note, I'm totally in love with Patrick Dempsey. I've been at my cousins house this weekend and watching Enchanted with their little girl... such a CUTE little flick. You can't help but get a goofy grin of awww how cute on your face! Their three year old has been talking all weekend about when she is going to have true loves first kiss. It's the cutest thing ever! I really love kids. They're so cute! I really don't want to have kids right now but sometime in the furture I want a whole little troupe of them! So cute! Not to mention how cute my kids will be! I love them! Adorable, but not for me right now.

Nausea really sucks too. Been sick for the past few days.

embrace.

At Last

At last the guilt is passing
I can finally look in the mirror
What I see no longer disgusts me
I see the truth reflected there.

Beauty is present
Exotic and unique
What lies covered before
now is revealed by grace.

No longer do I cringe
To see what is shown
I find myself relieved
To see a smile there.

Reaching to the eyes
The brightness is new
Often I am reminded
More often I forget.

There is nothing to this beauty
Nothing new or special
Just plain and simple
The way it has always been.

At last I can see it
What had been hiding behind
Truth is discovered
Nothing left but a smile.

embrace.