I'm begging you...

I'm begging you.


I'm begging you
to shine your light.
Be my light.
Show me there is more.

More than this pain,
this torture,
this unending madness.

Please give me meaning.
Meaning for anything.
I mean nothing.

I want so badly to belong,
somewhere,
to someone,
to anything.

The only thing I belong to
is hurt.

It consumed me,
extinguishing my flame.
Naught but an ember remains.
Quickly fading.

I'm begging you to
believe me,
in me,
with me.

It happened and I'm hurt,
what more do you expect?

Sick.
With heartache.
With devastation.
With disbelief..

Who ignored,
who forgot,
who left the predator
out in the open?

Somewhere
someone hurts like me.

And instead of standing up,
speaking out,
another victim is counted.

Unnecessary,

sacrificed.

Am I mad?

No

Just disheartened.

Wishing to be saved by my imaginary hero,
destined to wait forever.

The sun will never come,
hopes and dreams will never part the clouds.
I'm left with this
and this is nothing.


embrace.

Winter soil

I find myself looking for an out.
I want an out,
out of life,
out of love,
out of it all.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm so exhausted,
I can hardly stand it.

I feel sick all the time,
I hurt more than ever.
My soul is like a dead weight,
doing nothing but keeping me down.

If only...
If only there was a way,
to set this burden free,
free of the weight...

Shoulders proud.
Standing tall.
Am I destined to be alone?
No one to share this burden with.
No one willing.

I don't even know.

I wish there was some book.
A book with all the answers.
Some call it the bible,
others... the koran.
I call it nothing,
because it is nothing.

Non-existent,
Naught,
Void,
Blank.

Blank.
Like the newborns mind,
void of thought and knowledge.
Waiting to told and molded,
as society and the paternal hierarchy
deem acceptable.

Had someone somewhere not changed that pattern
we would still be saying 'god save the queen'
But when do patterns go wrong?

I am wishing to be barren...
not in body but in mind and soul.

Barren of what I "should be"

Barren of standards,
I was predetermined to be me,
not by god but by society.

A society that
gave me my meaning,
yet expects me to show them the way to their meaning.

How do I begin to find out who I am?
How do I know?

I want so bad to have a light shine,
if but for a moment.

Like a ray of sun
glimpsed through the parting clouds
on a Stormy spring day,
Life hidden in the cold hard dirt of winter.

Seeking the warmth and love that life brings.

My soul must first harden like the soil for winter,
only then will it be ripe for planting with the warm rains of the spring.

A ray of sun will come one day,
it will find a crack,
and it will warm.

If only for a moment,
a moment gone with a whisper,
a seed must be planted.

Long to bloom but longer to last,
a soul worth living for.
A soul with purpose,
a soul with meaning.

My purpose,
MY meaning.

Only then will the weight be lifted
only then will I be alive.

embrace.

Oh God...

How did I come to this?
This place,
This moment,
This limbo...

How did it get here?
So many questions,
Why doesn't it work the same way as every on else?

Am I that undesirable?
To be cast aside,
used and forgotten.

The toy soldier under the sofa,
not even good enough for a yard sale.
Not another mans treasure,
everyone's garbage.

Why do they always use me?
Why am I always left behind
with an earful of empty lies.
A heart full of empty sorrows,
left cold and alone.

I'm broken,
depressed.
Exhausted and
overwhelmed.

I had perfected this facade,
spent years on my knees
crafting its flawless sheen.

How can it be,
that in one moment
it's made into a pile of rubble?

Unable to build again,
too exhausted to cope with whats left.

What do I do know?

embrace.

Save her

Looking in the rearview mirror,
all I see is darkness.

Hold her safe in my arms.
Tight!
Away from them all.

Take her anywhere.
Just TAKE HER AWAY!!

Save her!
Dear God...

Can't you see it coming?
Don't you know what's in store?

How can you just abandon her?
HOW?

You turned a blind eye,
too busy with your other 'clients'.

What is it that voided her contract?
Deemed her destitute,
unworthy?

Why?
So young, and vulnerable.
Hardly able to take care of herself...

Betrayed from the beginning,
despised till the end.

How will this be recieved?

It wont,
plain and simple.

Ignored.

embrace.

Almost a year, almost a lifetime.

Can a lifetime of memories be thought through in just a few months....
A lifetime of regrets in just a few moments.

Can everything be corrected through a single apology?
Where does it become ok to excuse a monster?

I survived isn't that enough?
Can I let him get away with it?

Don't I owe it to the quiet masses without a voice?
Don't I need to put it out that it doesn't go away,
that people can't get away with it no matter how long it has been?

I can't let it escape.
I can't let him escape.
Eternal judgement?

How do I let him get away with it?
Do I let this one slip by?
Like the uncounted masses that have escaped judgement.

How many get off free?
How many manage to escape?
How can I facilitate this?

Am I destined to be judge for not judging them?

How can I do this?
Can I take it?
Do I deserve what happened because I didn't stop it?
Because I wont take a stand?

Maybe I do, maybe I did...

embrace.