So...

So I'm very irritated at the lack of original people in the world. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I would like to think of myself as at least a little bit original, at least I don't play into my social stigma like all those around seem to be perfectly happy to do. Of course by me being original I play into a completely different stereotype all together. Then again I think I'd much rather play into that stereotype then the one I used to pretend I was to please those around me.

Maybe that is what is going on with those around me. Maybe what it is is that the people around me are still so consumed with pleasing others rather than themselves. I dunno. I just look around at all these people and think to myself constantly that they could be doing so much better if they weren't just being part of the flock of other nondescript humanoids around them. I also think that it might have to do with my geographical location. I think possibly that people in the south feel that if they aren't hard ass 'gangsta' they will be rejected by their peers that see that as the only way of being.

I played into the spoiled overly religious white girl scene for most of my life. Then I realised that I was so consumed with others opinions of me that my own happiness was quickly slipping down the drain. Then one day I realised how sick I was of trying to be perfect when I obviously wasn't and trying to prove to others how much better I was than them. I was OBSESSED with proving I LOVED God and how PERFECT my life was and don't you wish you were me?!?!?! Please dear Jesus I hope not. I really hope I never fooled anyone enough for them to hope that they were in my shoes rather than theirs. My life is NOT perfect, I don't love God anymore than the next person, I really hope they never wished they were me.

If I were to label myself with anything it would be, normal. I am who I am. I'm happy for the first time in years to be who I am. I can't describe the joy it brings me to not have to sensor my mouth or constantly spend my time thinking about how my actions will make others feel about me. If you don't like me you don't have to be around me, just leave. I'm terrified of confrontations! I will curl up in a ball and sit in the corner crying if you so much as think about trying to beat me up and I'm ok with that!! I don't mind being a 'lame scared ass' cause I am! I will however be the one bring hell fire lawsuits down on your ass for physical and mental harassment. I have no fear of going to others to fight my battles for me because I know I can't win them by myself.

I wish that others could be comfortable and happy enough to be themselves around everyone and not just a select few. Oh well...

embrace.

What the hell...

An eternal pit of blackness
A void filled by hate
Leaving nothing but misery
What the hell is happening?

Alone?
Spiral...
Lacking control,
My lungs burn for the burst of air.
Explode.

Always tired
Always pain
No one knows what it is like
Living in constant, persistant pain.
Unbearable.
No drugs for treament.
Chronic...

Try to be perky
Back to faking.
Nothing is the answer.
Back to the old
was there ever a new?

What am I doing here.
Across the country for what?
Nothing aparently.
What I thought was here isn't.
No, I'm alone.
Wishing for a drop of poison,
something to show me the way out.

I don't want to be dropping down again
How can I stop it though?
How do I stop the spiral...
It's never ending.
Why don't you like me?
Why don't I like me?

What the hell am I doing here?

embrace.

Status

Kudos on your symbol
of status and finance
little does it show us
of your true cadence

It does not reveal
The unhappiness you hide
Not this new purchase
On which you draw such pride

The only thing we notice
is the vacancy behind
those eyes which used to sparkle
those eyes which used to shine

Kudos on your symbol
You wish to draw envy
Little do you know
You wish you were me.

embrace.

Oh my word

I am seriously a magnet for retards. How I end up in these situations is beyond me!!! Boys boys boys... Ugh Why is being nice always translated into attraction? I should have learned my lesson by now I know. Still, common courtesy is not a way of me coming on to you! Grrr. It drives me crazy that I now have to break another poor bastards heart! Seriously... I'm going crazy!!!

I'm in love with one guy and sleeping with another... does life get anymore complicated?!!?!

embrace.

Sigh politics

Tis the season. One month from now we will know who is going to replace President Bush in the white house. Now is when the claws really seem to be coming out and things are starting to get dirty.

I've never been one to discuss politics. I'm a non-confrontational person so most of the time I just nod my head and smile and pretend I really care what you're talking about. I notice a trend that very few people's opinions differ from their parents. At least the people I know. Most parents raise their children to be little clones of themselves and discourage any independence, and that's what a lot of people end up being. I've started to enjoy political debates more these past few months. I don't however enjoy people who are obsessive about them.

I have an Uncle that has torn apart my family due to the fact that he is of a different political party then the majority of us. I choose not to discuss politics with my family because all it does is drive us all apart due to the fact that most of us are non-confrontational. I don't like it when people talk to me like I'm an idiot. I'm not, I know I'm not, so it is beyond insulting when people act like I am. I think it is the silliest thing in the world to be so sensitive about. Specially when it isn't even election season!!! We get it... Bush screwed up and so have the MAJORITY of Presidents before them, they're human give them a freaking break!!! There is no point to go around bashing him, cause you can't do much to change it once he is there...

I dunno much about politics, I'm slightly ashamed of this, but I know what my heart tells me and it says "Who gives a flying FUCK who I am voting for, that's my business and I don't need you judging me for that!" Being in Georgia has really opened my eyes. A kid in my class practically said no white people where going to vote for Obama because he is black and that that was the only reason black people would vote for him. So all white people in America are racist (see my blog on racism for my view on that) and all the black people are ignorant and think the country will be fine as long as it's got a black man running it.

Funny thought... will 'The Man' still be 'oppressing' the black if 'The Man' himself IS a black man.



embrace.

Is it possible?

Could it be? Could it really be? Am I? Are we?

I don't see how this could be, how could it happen to me? I doubt it has, but the possibility alone is shocking enough. I can't imagine the changes that might be ahead. Hopfully I wont have any changes to make. Hopfully I wont need to change everything in the near future. I hope I will be able to continue things as planned and not have my life turned upside down for one moments weakness. Please God!

My head feels like it's being pounded in with a sledge hammer. I have heartburn... I NEVER have heartburn!! Oh man. This blows. Gotta go back to the doctor and figure this out.

On a up note, I'm totally in love with Patrick Dempsey. I've been at my cousins house this weekend and watching Enchanted with their little girl... such a CUTE little flick. You can't help but get a goofy grin of awww how cute on your face! Their three year old has been talking all weekend about when she is going to have true loves first kiss. It's the cutest thing ever! I really love kids. They're so cute! I really don't want to have kids right now but sometime in the furture I want a whole little troupe of them! So cute! Not to mention how cute my kids will be! I love them! Adorable, but not for me right now.

Nausea really sucks too. Been sick for the past few days.

embrace.

At Last

At last the guilt is passing
I can finally look in the mirror
What I see no longer disgusts me
I see the truth reflected there.

Beauty is present
Exotic and unique
What lies covered before
now is revealed by grace.

No longer do I cringe
To see what is shown
I find myself relieved
To see a smile there.

Reaching to the eyes
The brightness is new
Often I am reminded
More often I forget.

There is nothing to this beauty
Nothing new or special
Just plain and simple
The way it has always been.

At last I can see it
What had been hiding behind
Truth is discovered
Nothing left but a smile.

embrace.

Confusion

Confusion...
I have it.

I'm not sure why I have it. I've been struggling with a strange sensastion the past few months. I have no words to describe it. Almost a strange dizzy unsteadiness mixed with a tingling in my torso. Previously I just thought it was something that was diet or maybe time of the month related because it wasn't a persistent issue. Lately though it has been very persistent. The only thing I could think of that would relate to this would be an inner ear issue, but I thought those were supposed to go away when you lie down and I have this all the time. From waking up in the morning to going to bed at night.

I'm becoming miserable with this sensation. I don't know how to describe it, everyone I try describing it to has no idea what I'm trying to communicate, so I don't know what I would even begin to say to a doctor about what it is. Then again no one I have talked to about this is actually a doctor so maybe a doctor would have a better idea.

Ugh confusion...
I have it.

embrace.