So...

So I'm very irritated at the lack of original people in the world. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I would like to think of myself as at least a little bit original, at least I don't play into my social stigma like all those around seem to be perfectly happy to do. Of course by me being original I play into a completely different stereotype all together. Then again I think I'd much rather play into that stereotype then the one I used to pretend I was to please those around me.

Maybe that is what is going on with those around me. Maybe what it is is that the people around me are still so consumed with pleasing others rather than themselves. I dunno. I just look around at all these people and think to myself constantly that they could be doing so much better if they weren't just being part of the flock of other nondescript humanoids around them. I also think that it might have to do with my geographical location. I think possibly that people in the south feel that if they aren't hard ass 'gangsta' they will be rejected by their peers that see that as the only way of being.

I played into the spoiled overly religious white girl scene for most of my life. Then I realised that I was so consumed with others opinions of me that my own happiness was quickly slipping down the drain. Then one day I realised how sick I was of trying to be perfect when I obviously wasn't and trying to prove to others how much better I was than them. I was OBSESSED with proving I LOVED God and how PERFECT my life was and don't you wish you were me?!?!?! Please dear Jesus I hope not. I really hope I never fooled anyone enough for them to hope that they were in my shoes rather than theirs. My life is NOT perfect, I don't love God anymore than the next person, I really hope they never wished they were me.

If I were to label myself with anything it would be, normal. I am who I am. I'm happy for the first time in years to be who I am. I can't describe the joy it brings me to not have to sensor my mouth or constantly spend my time thinking about how my actions will make others feel about me. If you don't like me you don't have to be around me, just leave. I'm terrified of confrontations! I will curl up in a ball and sit in the corner crying if you so much as think about trying to beat me up and I'm ok with that!! I don't mind being a 'lame scared ass' cause I am! I will however be the one bring hell fire lawsuits down on your ass for physical and mental harassment. I have no fear of going to others to fight my battles for me because I know I can't win them by myself.

I wish that others could be comfortable and happy enough to be themselves around everyone and not just a select few. Oh well...

embrace.