Winter soil

I find myself looking for an out.
I want an out,
out of life,
out of love,
out of it all.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm so exhausted,
I can hardly stand it.

I feel sick all the time,
I hurt more than ever.
My soul is like a dead weight,
doing nothing but keeping me down.

If only...
If only there was a way,
to set this burden free,
free of the weight...

Shoulders proud.
Standing tall.
Am I destined to be alone?
No one to share this burden with.
No one willing.

I don't even know.

I wish there was some book.
A book with all the answers.
Some call it the bible,
others... the koran.
I call it nothing,
because it is nothing.

Non-existent,
Naught,
Void,
Blank.

Blank.
Like the newborns mind,
void of thought and knowledge.
Waiting to told and molded,
as society and the paternal hierarchy
deem acceptable.

Had someone somewhere not changed that pattern
we would still be saying 'god save the queen'
But when do patterns go wrong?

I am wishing to be barren...
not in body but in mind and soul.

Barren of what I "should be"

Barren of standards,
I was predetermined to be me,
not by god but by society.

A society that
gave me my meaning,
yet expects me to show them the way to their meaning.

How do I begin to find out who I am?
How do I know?

I want so bad to have a light shine,
if but for a moment.

Like a ray of sun
glimpsed through the parting clouds
on a Stormy spring day,
Life hidden in the cold hard dirt of winter.

Seeking the warmth and love that life brings.

My soul must first harden like the soil for winter,
only then will it be ripe for planting with the warm rains of the spring.

A ray of sun will come one day,
it will find a crack,
and it will warm.

If only for a moment,
a moment gone with a whisper,
a seed must be planted.

Long to bloom but longer to last,
a soul worth living for.
A soul with purpose,
a soul with meaning.

My purpose,
MY meaning.

Only then will the weight be lifted
only then will I be alive.

embrace.

Oh God...

How did I come to this?
This place,
This moment,
This limbo...

How did it get here?
So many questions,
Why doesn't it work the same way as every on else?

Am I that undesirable?
To be cast aside,
used and forgotten.

The toy soldier under the sofa,
not even good enough for a yard sale.
Not another mans treasure,
everyone's garbage.

Why do they always use me?
Why am I always left behind
with an earful of empty lies.
A heart full of empty sorrows,
left cold and alone.

I'm broken,
depressed.
Exhausted and
overwhelmed.

I had perfected this facade,
spent years on my knees
crafting its flawless sheen.

How can it be,
that in one moment
it's made into a pile of rubble?

Unable to build again,
too exhausted to cope with whats left.

What do I do know?

embrace.

Save her

Looking in the rearview mirror,
all I see is darkness.

Hold her safe in my arms.
Tight!
Away from them all.

Take her anywhere.
Just TAKE HER AWAY!!

Save her!
Dear God...

Can't you see it coming?
Don't you know what's in store?

How can you just abandon her?
HOW?

You turned a blind eye,
too busy with your other 'clients'.

What is it that voided her contract?
Deemed her destitute,
unworthy?

Why?
So young, and vulnerable.
Hardly able to take care of herself...

Betrayed from the beginning,
despised till the end.

How will this be recieved?

It wont,
plain and simple.

Ignored.

embrace.

Almost a year, almost a lifetime.

Can a lifetime of memories be thought through in just a few months....
A lifetime of regrets in just a few moments.

Can everything be corrected through a single apology?
Where does it become ok to excuse a monster?

I survived isn't that enough?
Can I let him get away with it?

Don't I owe it to the quiet masses without a voice?
Don't I need to put it out that it doesn't go away,
that people can't get away with it no matter how long it has been?

I can't let it escape.
I can't let him escape.
Eternal judgement?

How do I let him get away with it?
Do I let this one slip by?
Like the uncounted masses that have escaped judgement.

How many get off free?
How many manage to escape?
How can I facilitate this?

Am I destined to be judge for not judging them?

How can I do this?
Can I take it?
Do I deserve what happened because I didn't stop it?
Because I wont take a stand?

Maybe I do, maybe I did...

embrace.

How is life?

Odd...

When yesterday in the same family one life is lost and one is brought pink and wriggling into the world is so beyond my mind. I find it fascinating. While my cousin brought a beautiful baby girl into the world, 9lbs 8oz ten fingers and toes. A couple thousands miles away my aunt took her last breaths in this life. I know you can always say that happens everyday, but in one family is strange to me. It brings life into perspective. I do think it is causing me to take a step back tonight. We surround ourselves with trivial things... but I feel that is what we do. I'm in a strange refective mood.

With my birthday just week past, a birth, a death, weddings, engagements, pregnancies... all within the last 6 months life has been insane. I find it has put me in a rush for life. I want marriage, kids, grandkids and happily ever after. I'm in a hurry to 'grow up' and have a life of my own. I'm anxious to expierience things and live... I've got the itch to start my life. I hope it either gets scratched soon or goes away. I'm lonely and confused...

embrace.

Inspiration

You inspire me with your love of life,
a life that hasn't always loved you back.
They way you hold me...
both our troubles melt away.
If only for a moment.

Things have happened,
Terrible things.
Lies were told,
lies that tore families apart.
You deserve nothing you have been handed.
Your life should be simpler.
Dealt a bad hand.

Inspiration,
beyond hope or dreams...
You shine
my love.
The brightest star in my constellation.
When all seems lost
You're there to guide me back.
Holding me.
Loving me.

I remember it all.
From the very beginning.
each movement we made.
Intertwined
From the very beginning,
Drawn, pulled, connected
unimaginable...
amazing.

Our minds are connected
Always in tune.
A bond beyond love.
Our spirits joined.
Our souls find peace.
Searching is over.

When you are near
nothing matters.
Your smile
my laugh...
peace.
bliss.
we're together
even when we are apart.
Never goodbye..
forever tomorrow.

You inspire me...


embrace.

Who am I kidding?

So Happy New Year! Four months late... oops.

Life has been so chaotic I don't know which way is up anymore. I have so much going on and nothing seems to be slowing down at all. I'm so irritated in the turn of my life the past few weeks that I just can't stand it. I'm trying to get a minute to just think and I can't... it's unpleasant.

The doctor told me I have Lupus... and then told me I don't have that... but then I did... and now I don't again. So now I'm in a very confused limbo where I'm not getting any better but there is apparently nothing wrong with me... which is troublesome, as I am sure you can imagine. At least I was finally able to get her to give me something more than motrin for pain... I've only been telling her since august that normal pain medication has no effect on me. I feel bad because I'm so impatient with this lady. See, english isn't her first language so we have quite a communication barrier to get over and we haven't been able to get past it yet. Why she is so intent on testing me for pregnancy every time I go in is beyond me.... not every 21 year old college student is just lying down with their legs spread every chance they get.

It is just very upsetting to me that she focuses on something that is obviously not the problem. Oh well... 99.9% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name and I guess thats the same for girls too.

School is winding down. I'm done with the classroom part of my degree in just 10 weeks! I could vomit I can't believe it! I'm so terrified. The locations to which I have applied for my externship are all back home. I can't wait to get back to that dry mountain air! Mmmm! It's so humid here in Atlanta... my hair is huge and stays that way all the time. Thank GOD for hair ties! My time here hasn't been a complete wash, I've made friends and made wonderful professional connections so I know that I will be able to call upon those in the future for support and advice. I've enjoyed seeing a culture completely different from my own, and I can't wait to get back to my own! haha.

I ever so often get a little pang of sadness that my time here is coming to a close. I don't want to leave the few people here that I have connected with... but then something happens (like my car getting broken into) and the small feeling passes and fades away rapidly. Not that there isn't crime back home... I just feel better equipped to handle it there.

So here is to hoping that in this new year... now one third gone already... I will come out experienced in the industry and less fearful, with an answer and a solution to my discomfort medically, and be in a happy place with a happy heart... and I just realised how lame that sounded... Oh well. I also noticed that I totally over use elipsis..es.. elipsi? You know what I mean. Three dots in a row at the end of a sentence or thought indicating a pause, much like a coma does... only apparently easier to type or something.

Hope you all are happy and in love with life and it's many blessings... I'm glad we talked about this ;)

embrace.

So...

So I'm very irritated at the lack of original people in the world. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I would like to think of myself as at least a little bit original, at least I don't play into my social stigma like all those around seem to be perfectly happy to do. Of course by me being original I play into a completely different stereotype all together. Then again I think I'd much rather play into that stereotype then the one I used to pretend I was to please those around me.

Maybe that is what is going on with those around me. Maybe what it is is that the people around me are still so consumed with pleasing others rather than themselves. I dunno. I just look around at all these people and think to myself constantly that they could be doing so much better if they weren't just being part of the flock of other nondescript humanoids around them. I also think that it might have to do with my geographical location. I think possibly that people in the south feel that if they aren't hard ass 'gangsta' they will be rejected by their peers that see that as the only way of being.

I played into the spoiled overly religious white girl scene for most of my life. Then I realised that I was so consumed with others opinions of me that my own happiness was quickly slipping down the drain. Then one day I realised how sick I was of trying to be perfect when I obviously wasn't and trying to prove to others how much better I was than them. I was OBSESSED with proving I LOVED God and how PERFECT my life was and don't you wish you were me?!?!?! Please dear Jesus I hope not. I really hope I never fooled anyone enough for them to hope that they were in my shoes rather than theirs. My life is NOT perfect, I don't love God anymore than the next person, I really hope they never wished they were me.

If I were to label myself with anything it would be, normal. I am who I am. I'm happy for the first time in years to be who I am. I can't describe the joy it brings me to not have to sensor my mouth or constantly spend my time thinking about how my actions will make others feel about me. If you don't like me you don't have to be around me, just leave. I'm terrified of confrontations! I will curl up in a ball and sit in the corner crying if you so much as think about trying to beat me up and I'm ok with that!! I don't mind being a 'lame scared ass' cause I am! I will however be the one bring hell fire lawsuits down on your ass for physical and mental harassment. I have no fear of going to others to fight my battles for me because I know I can't win them by myself.

I wish that others could be comfortable and happy enough to be themselves around everyone and not just a select few. Oh well...

embrace.