Ever

Ever try your hardest only to know it isn't good enough?
Ever spend an eternity trying only to fail?
I am torn.
I know only what is before me,
blinding me.
A symphony falling on deaf ears.
Blinding lights behind me,
emptyness before me.
Running away.
Held back by torn restraints.
Miserable.
Bleeding.
Screaming.
Nothing above a whisper.
Useless.
Where is it that I go from here?
Right choices are far behind.
All that's left are mistakes.
One night, wishing to be forgotten.
Engraved into my soul.
Why would it be?
I wish for lightness,
weighted down by torture.
Lay on my side,
sleep the waste away.
Awake?
Renewed?
Doubtful and unfortunate.
Why is it hurting?
Twice now broken.
Popped for all.
The pain should be gone.
It is too fresh for me.
Tower behind the present.
Ignore the beauty.
There is none.

embrace.

Modesty... or lack there of

So wow, been a while... yet again. Loving my new city still! Busy as all hell for sure, hot as all hell too, but not as bad as DC last summer. That was waaaaaay worse. I'm beginning to think I can actually survive in a car with no ac. Though I'm told that September here is still pretty hot. They got the first snow of the season back home today. I can't believe it. I wish I was there to enjoy it! Anyway, to the real topic of today's story...

Modesty... is the best policy... ALWAYS! I went to the water park here in town today. It was by far one of the funnest things I have done in several years. It was a great day with new friends to say, "What the hell! Who cares what they all think! I'm having fun acting like a five year old today!" It was great! However, modesty.... yeah. I'm on the fence here, I want to be supportive of people who I see and I think to myself "Wow, I would never be comfortable wearing that." Which is horrible because I find it to be so judgemental which I hate! I can't help it though. I think what it is is that I have always been on the bigger side of the spectrum, and therefore I tend to cover up a lot. When I see people who are bigger than me, but don't follow the same guidelines as I do, I'm floored that they feel so comfortable with themselves to wear it. My whole thing is that even the cute skinny beach babes should be wearing more clothes than they do. Would you walk around in your bra and panties in public? More than likely not, although I'm sure some people would if they could. I'm fine with bikinis but only when they consist of more than scraps of material.

So that is my problem. I strive to be modest and not dress like a complete whore, not to say that I don't dress to impress I just do it without running about in my underwear. I'd love to be confident enough with myself to be able to run about in next to nothing, but even if I was there comes a time when you need to be covered up. I don't know if I am making any sense anymore. I just spent 8 hours at a water park running on about 5 hours of sleep, I'm completely delusional at this point. Although not hallucinating, so that's a plus.

Anyway, my advice to the world is that, you may think you look cute, but just to be sure get a second opinion. Preferably from someone other than your horny boyfriend who would rather you run around naked all the time anyway :)

embrace.

Familiar

Life just takes off and leaves you in the dust sometimes. It's the strangest thing. One minute you're driving along and everything is fine, the next minute it's like a slap in the face as you're train of life starts chugging along and you better hop on before it really starts moving and passes you by. I've bee noticing that about my life lately. I kinda feel like it's all just whizzing by while I look out the window stunned at what is happening.

I can't believe it's been a week since I got here. I feel like it hasn't even been a whole day yet. Myabe thats just me wishing it's only been a short time. I've been struggling with homesickness lately. I find it very ironic that I was so looking foreward to getting out of my house and starting fresh somewhere new and exciting, but now I'm missing the familarity of anything. I spent an hour driving around yesterday looking for a walmart just to find something familiar to ground myself with.

I find myself dwelling in the past lately, which is something I hate doing because it is so depressing to wish for something that has gone and left to come back again. I find myself hoping to find myself in the safty net of the past. The security of people I know, people I thought I couldn't stand but apparently I will reach out to anything at this point. I know this is just a stage and that it's part of moving on, doesn't mean I don't wish it to be over as soon as possible. Life is funny, wish I could figure it out.

All is well though. I'm enjoying new surroundings and new people, it can be slightly overwhelming at times but as always I strive on to overcome my problems with overstimulation. I have comfort coming in a short few weeks, after that I'm sure things will rocket skyward!

embrace.

The fun has Arrived!

So what is it about road trips that makes you want to KILL the people your driving across counrty with? I guess it must be all the stress and tension... who knows. I've arrived at my destination, my 'NEW' home. I'm in love. I adore the lush green of this beautiful city. I moved from the desert to the rainforest it seems, it's amazing!

The neighborhoods are gorgeous! It's fantastic. The heat has not been trerrible, but there is a 'cold front' moving through. So it's been in the eighties the whole time. The humidity hasn't been teriible either, which I'm so excited about! As long as I don't stay wet for thirty minutes after I get out of the shower I'm trilled and living here forever. More to come later, I'm off to explore my new city!

embrace.

Month From Hell

Wow what a month! Holy crap I didn't realise how long it had been. I helped a friend move and went to go visit people that I haven't seen in ages, I feel like I haven't sat down for more than five minutes for the past few weeks. I'm always going going going, and I've still got more to go. I'm moving across the country! Ahhh! I haven't moved in so long that I forgot all that it takes to move and then get settled and everything else. I finally get to sit and reflect on the past month and take a deep breath. *sigh*

As I've been packing I've been doing major overhaul cleaning and purging of myself of all the useless stuff that just seems to spawn out of the walls and into your collections. Boy will there be some happy people at the Goodwill here in town. I think I'm giving away more clothes than I'm taking with me. I was cleaning out my drawers and was appaled to find how many shirts and clothes I didn't even know that I had because I hadn't worn them atleasy since high school if not before that! Clothes I knew I would never wear ever again or I knew wouldn't fit me (dear God was I ever really that tiny?).

I still feel that I have too much stuff. Does anyone need that much? I've found myself leaning more towards a minimalist lifestyle living off simply what I need. I don't need a TV cause, well frankly I have better things to do than fry my brain like I have for the past twenty years. Anyway I feel that living off as little as I can has been a very freeing expirience, nothing to worry about. It's been very wonderful ... I'll let you know how it progresses over time. For now though I must return to packing my past 8 years into little cradboard squares.

embrace.

Busy Busy Beavers

This week is the beginning my three weeks of crazyness. I will be a regular globe trotter hoping from one place to another, goodness only knows where I'll be tomorrow. I've been preparing for weeks trying to get all my things packed and ready to go. Whenever I leave my place I always do a major overhaul of cleaning, because the last thing I want to do is run around like a crazy person and then come home to filth and not have anytime to relax before I have to start cleaning again.

Over the past few crazy days, (two munchkin birthday parties, a bridal shower, and a wedding) I've been thinking about how great it is to be surrounded by people you love and enjoy. For me that is all I want in life. Surround myself with people that inspire me to do better things with my life and people that uplift me instead of those people that can only bring you down. It's a good goal to have.

embrace.

Used to think

So I used to think that it was so nice to be out of high school (I dropped out sophomore year). So glad that I was away from all the drama, that I could finally begin a life where what you wear and who you know and what you do don't matter. Boy was I ever wrong. I went shopping today, for the first time in ages, with a friend I've known since high school. We were browsing the 60% off rack and I found what I thought was a really funky fun shirt, and the moment I pointed it out I was shot down as being fasion senseless and all that implies. Now being one that could could care less about what I wear I wasn't phased but it made me realise that I still live in a world that is controlled by everything that high school is controlled by.

It's exhausting. I dropped out of high school to get away from that and here I realise some years later I just quickened my exposure to the same game only on a much much larger scale. It makes me sick that people spend so much time, not to mention so much MONEY on trying to impress others. Let me just say that the most impressive thing you can do is be your own damn person. Why do you have to be what other people think you should be. It's is a concept that I honestly cannot wrap my brain around. It's like trying to explain color to a blind person, they've never seen it so it is impossible to put it on a level they understand. I'm a blind person in the sense that I don't get why people find it to be such a big deal.

Sure I remember in middle school trying to impress the 'in' crowd. I bought many a pair of (gasp) flared bell bottoms to be accepted by anyone I could. When I got to high school I realized I don't give a shit anymore, I was so tired of trying to force my way into peoples groups. Now it is still the same. I can't stand the fact that everything is a status symbol.

My message to you for today is to just be whoever the fuck you what to be. If you want to wear a bright orange poncho and lime green shorts then wear it damnit! Who give a fucking hell if Paris Hilton or whoever wont wear it, you would so do it!

I'm done ranting.

embrace.

P.S. You're wondering if I bought the 'totally hideous' shirt aren't you .... you bet your ass I did.

I've been thinking on emotions lately and how they impact our lives. Being raised in our society we come to use our emotions to guide us more times than not. I feel crappy I want to eat the whole pint of Ben & Jerry's, or I'm pissed I want to beat something to a pulp. Every decision we make is based upon how we feel about something, and due to that we have horrible consequences when things don't end up the way we thought they would because we're so emotionaly involved. I wish there were a way that we could keep them all seprate, only devote our emotions to things worth devoting them to. The very fact that emotion drives our decisions means the we take for granted the emotions we have. If everytime you say I love you to someone you don't really mean it, it lessens the value of the word in your life, and the lives of others around you. If we all take a step back and look at what we truly believe the word love means, then did we really fall in love with Timmy in the fifth grade?

I think that emotions are far to serious of a control device in our lives to be toyed with. Someone who has shown their true emotions and vulnerability to someone then been torn apart by that same person might feel that the emotions are not worth what you originally thought they were. Example:
Susy's family asked her grandparents to move in with them when their health started to decline. The grandparents accepted and the move was made. Of course there was an adjustment period for everything to come together and turn into a well oiled family machine. There was only one kink in the works, Susy's grandma. She came into the situation looking to be an authority figure and another person to help raise and form the children to her liking. Little did she know that was not the case. Susy tried to honor her parents choice and treat her grandma with respect opening up to her and letting her see the vulnerable side of her, a side very few people ever got to see. One day Susy was home sick from school and her grandma came up to ask her to walk to dog, Susy responded that she was sick and the was the last thing she wanted to do. Grandma proceeded to tell Susy that she was a worthless piece of crap with nothing redeamable about her, just a void in society as blank as a sheet of white paper.

See with Susy she opened up and shared what she was thinking was her true self with her grandma, her passions and her dreams. In one simple sentance her grandma threw that all out the window making it seem as though the way her emotions had been leading her had been pointless and void of all meaning.

I'm not saying don't rely on emotion, sometimes it's a good thing. All I mean to say is that maybe be cautious of where your emotions take you and who you share them with.



embrace.