I'm begging you...

I'm begging you.


I'm begging you
to shine your light.
Be my light.
Show me there is more.

More than this pain,
this torture,
this unending madness.

Please give me meaning.
Meaning for anything.
I mean nothing.

I want so badly to belong,
somewhere,
to someone,
to anything.

The only thing I belong to
is hurt.

It consumed me,
extinguishing my flame.
Naught but an ember remains.
Quickly fading.

I'm begging you to
believe me,
in me,
with me.

It happened and I'm hurt,
what more do you expect?

Sick.
With heartache.
With devastation.
With disbelief..

Who ignored,
who forgot,
who left the predator
out in the open?

Somewhere
someone hurts like me.

And instead of standing up,
speaking out,
another victim is counted.

Unnecessary,

sacrificed.

Am I mad?

No

Just disheartened.

Wishing to be saved by my imaginary hero,
destined to wait forever.

The sun will never come,
hopes and dreams will never part the clouds.
I'm left with this
and this is nothing.


embrace.

Winter soil

I find myself looking for an out.
I want an out,
out of life,
out of love,
out of it all.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm so exhausted,
I can hardly stand it.

I feel sick all the time,
I hurt more than ever.
My soul is like a dead weight,
doing nothing but keeping me down.

If only...
If only there was a way,
to set this burden free,
free of the weight...

Shoulders proud.
Standing tall.
Am I destined to be alone?
No one to share this burden with.
No one willing.

I don't even know.

I wish there was some book.
A book with all the answers.
Some call it the bible,
others... the koran.
I call it nothing,
because it is nothing.

Non-existent,
Naught,
Void,
Blank.

Blank.
Like the newborns mind,
void of thought and knowledge.
Waiting to told and molded,
as society and the paternal hierarchy
deem acceptable.

Had someone somewhere not changed that pattern
we would still be saying 'god save the queen'
But when do patterns go wrong?

I am wishing to be barren...
not in body but in mind and soul.

Barren of what I "should be"

Barren of standards,
I was predetermined to be me,
not by god but by society.

A society that
gave me my meaning,
yet expects me to show them the way to their meaning.

How do I begin to find out who I am?
How do I know?

I want so bad to have a light shine,
if but for a moment.

Like a ray of sun
glimpsed through the parting clouds
on a Stormy spring day,
Life hidden in the cold hard dirt of winter.

Seeking the warmth and love that life brings.

My soul must first harden like the soil for winter,
only then will it be ripe for planting with the warm rains of the spring.

A ray of sun will come one day,
it will find a crack,
and it will warm.

If only for a moment,
a moment gone with a whisper,
a seed must be planted.

Long to bloom but longer to last,
a soul worth living for.
A soul with purpose,
a soul with meaning.

My purpose,
MY meaning.

Only then will the weight be lifted
only then will I be alive.

embrace.

Oh God...

How did I come to this?
This place,
This moment,
This limbo...

How did it get here?
So many questions,
Why doesn't it work the same way as every on else?

Am I that undesirable?
To be cast aside,
used and forgotten.

The toy soldier under the sofa,
not even good enough for a yard sale.
Not another mans treasure,
everyone's garbage.

Why do they always use me?
Why am I always left behind
with an earful of empty lies.
A heart full of empty sorrows,
left cold and alone.

I'm broken,
depressed.
Exhausted and
overwhelmed.

I had perfected this facade,
spent years on my knees
crafting its flawless sheen.

How can it be,
that in one moment
it's made into a pile of rubble?

Unable to build again,
too exhausted to cope with whats left.

What do I do know?

embrace.

Save her

Looking in the rearview mirror,
all I see is darkness.

Hold her safe in my arms.
Tight!
Away from them all.

Take her anywhere.
Just TAKE HER AWAY!!

Save her!
Dear God...

Can't you see it coming?
Don't you know what's in store?

How can you just abandon her?
HOW?

You turned a blind eye,
too busy with your other 'clients'.

What is it that voided her contract?
Deemed her destitute,
unworthy?

Why?
So young, and vulnerable.
Hardly able to take care of herself...

Betrayed from the beginning,
despised till the end.

How will this be recieved?

It wont,
plain and simple.

Ignored.

embrace.

Almost a year, almost a lifetime.

Can a lifetime of memories be thought through in just a few months....
A lifetime of regrets in just a few moments.

Can everything be corrected through a single apology?
Where does it become ok to excuse a monster?

I survived isn't that enough?
Can I let him get away with it?

Don't I owe it to the quiet masses without a voice?
Don't I need to put it out that it doesn't go away,
that people can't get away with it no matter how long it has been?

I can't let it escape.
I can't let him escape.
Eternal judgement?

How do I let him get away with it?
Do I let this one slip by?
Like the uncounted masses that have escaped judgement.

How many get off free?
How many manage to escape?
How can I facilitate this?

Am I destined to be judge for not judging them?

How can I do this?
Can I take it?
Do I deserve what happened because I didn't stop it?
Because I wont take a stand?

Maybe I do, maybe I did...

embrace.

How is life?

Odd...

When yesterday in the same family one life is lost and one is brought pink and wriggling into the world is so beyond my mind. I find it fascinating. While my cousin brought a beautiful baby girl into the world, 9lbs 8oz ten fingers and toes. A couple thousands miles away my aunt took her last breaths in this life. I know you can always say that happens everyday, but in one family is strange to me. It brings life into perspective. I do think it is causing me to take a step back tonight. We surround ourselves with trivial things... but I feel that is what we do. I'm in a strange refective mood.

With my birthday just week past, a birth, a death, weddings, engagements, pregnancies... all within the last 6 months life has been insane. I find it has put me in a rush for life. I want marriage, kids, grandkids and happily ever after. I'm in a hurry to 'grow up' and have a life of my own. I'm anxious to expierience things and live... I've got the itch to start my life. I hope it either gets scratched soon or goes away. I'm lonely and confused...

embrace.

Inspiration

You inspire me with your love of life,
a life that hasn't always loved you back.
They way you hold me...
both our troubles melt away.
If only for a moment.

Things have happened,
Terrible things.
Lies were told,
lies that tore families apart.
You deserve nothing you have been handed.
Your life should be simpler.
Dealt a bad hand.

Inspiration,
beyond hope or dreams...
You shine
my love.
The brightest star in my constellation.
When all seems lost
You're there to guide me back.
Holding me.
Loving me.

I remember it all.
From the very beginning.
each movement we made.
Intertwined
From the very beginning,
Drawn, pulled, connected
unimaginable...
amazing.

Our minds are connected
Always in tune.
A bond beyond love.
Our spirits joined.
Our souls find peace.
Searching is over.

When you are near
nothing matters.
Your smile
my laugh...
peace.
bliss.
we're together
even when we are apart.
Never goodbye..
forever tomorrow.

You inspire me...


embrace.

Who am I kidding?

So Happy New Year! Four months late... oops.

Life has been so chaotic I don't know which way is up anymore. I have so much going on and nothing seems to be slowing down at all. I'm so irritated in the turn of my life the past few weeks that I just can't stand it. I'm trying to get a minute to just think and I can't... it's unpleasant.

The doctor told me I have Lupus... and then told me I don't have that... but then I did... and now I don't again. So now I'm in a very confused limbo where I'm not getting any better but there is apparently nothing wrong with me... which is troublesome, as I am sure you can imagine. At least I was finally able to get her to give me something more than motrin for pain... I've only been telling her since august that normal pain medication has no effect on me. I feel bad because I'm so impatient with this lady. See, english isn't her first language so we have quite a communication barrier to get over and we haven't been able to get past it yet. Why she is so intent on testing me for pregnancy every time I go in is beyond me.... not every 21 year old college student is just lying down with their legs spread every chance they get.

It is just very upsetting to me that she focuses on something that is obviously not the problem. Oh well... 99.9% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name and I guess thats the same for girls too.

School is winding down. I'm done with the classroom part of my degree in just 10 weeks! I could vomit I can't believe it! I'm so terrified. The locations to which I have applied for my externship are all back home. I can't wait to get back to that dry mountain air! Mmmm! It's so humid here in Atlanta... my hair is huge and stays that way all the time. Thank GOD for hair ties! My time here hasn't been a complete wash, I've made friends and made wonderful professional connections so I know that I will be able to call upon those in the future for support and advice. I've enjoyed seeing a culture completely different from my own, and I can't wait to get back to my own! haha.

I ever so often get a little pang of sadness that my time here is coming to a close. I don't want to leave the few people here that I have connected with... but then something happens (like my car getting broken into) and the small feeling passes and fades away rapidly. Not that there isn't crime back home... I just feel better equipped to handle it there.

So here is to hoping that in this new year... now one third gone already... I will come out experienced in the industry and less fearful, with an answer and a solution to my discomfort medically, and be in a happy place with a happy heart... and I just realised how lame that sounded... Oh well. I also noticed that I totally over use elipsis..es.. elipsi? You know what I mean. Three dots in a row at the end of a sentence or thought indicating a pause, much like a coma does... only apparently easier to type or something.

Hope you all are happy and in love with life and it's many blessings... I'm glad we talked about this ;)

embrace.

So...

So I'm very irritated at the lack of original people in the world. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I would like to think of myself as at least a little bit original, at least I don't play into my social stigma like all those around seem to be perfectly happy to do. Of course by me being original I play into a completely different stereotype all together. Then again I think I'd much rather play into that stereotype then the one I used to pretend I was to please those around me.

Maybe that is what is going on with those around me. Maybe what it is is that the people around me are still so consumed with pleasing others rather than themselves. I dunno. I just look around at all these people and think to myself constantly that they could be doing so much better if they weren't just being part of the flock of other nondescript humanoids around them. I also think that it might have to do with my geographical location. I think possibly that people in the south feel that if they aren't hard ass 'gangsta' they will be rejected by their peers that see that as the only way of being.

I played into the spoiled overly religious white girl scene for most of my life. Then I realised that I was so consumed with others opinions of me that my own happiness was quickly slipping down the drain. Then one day I realised how sick I was of trying to be perfect when I obviously wasn't and trying to prove to others how much better I was than them. I was OBSESSED with proving I LOVED God and how PERFECT my life was and don't you wish you were me?!?!?! Please dear Jesus I hope not. I really hope I never fooled anyone enough for them to hope that they were in my shoes rather than theirs. My life is NOT perfect, I don't love God anymore than the next person, I really hope they never wished they were me.

If I were to label myself with anything it would be, normal. I am who I am. I'm happy for the first time in years to be who I am. I can't describe the joy it brings me to not have to sensor my mouth or constantly spend my time thinking about how my actions will make others feel about me. If you don't like me you don't have to be around me, just leave. I'm terrified of confrontations! I will curl up in a ball and sit in the corner crying if you so much as think about trying to beat me up and I'm ok with that!! I don't mind being a 'lame scared ass' cause I am! I will however be the one bring hell fire lawsuits down on your ass for physical and mental harassment. I have no fear of going to others to fight my battles for me because I know I can't win them by myself.

I wish that others could be comfortable and happy enough to be themselves around everyone and not just a select few. Oh well...

embrace.

What the hell...

An eternal pit of blackness
A void filled by hate
Leaving nothing but misery
What the hell is happening?

Alone?
Spiral...
Lacking control,
My lungs burn for the burst of air.
Explode.

Always tired
Always pain
No one knows what it is like
Living in constant, persistant pain.
Unbearable.
No drugs for treament.
Chronic...

Try to be perky
Back to faking.
Nothing is the answer.
Back to the old
was there ever a new?

What am I doing here.
Across the country for what?
Nothing aparently.
What I thought was here isn't.
No, I'm alone.
Wishing for a drop of poison,
something to show me the way out.

I don't want to be dropping down again
How can I stop it though?
How do I stop the spiral...
It's never ending.
Why don't you like me?
Why don't I like me?

What the hell am I doing here?

embrace.

Status

Kudos on your symbol
of status and finance
little does it show us
of your true cadence

It does not reveal
The unhappiness you hide
Not this new purchase
On which you draw such pride

The only thing we notice
is the vacancy behind
those eyes which used to sparkle
those eyes which used to shine

Kudos on your symbol
You wish to draw envy
Little do you know
You wish you were me.

embrace.

Oh my word

I am seriously a magnet for retards. How I end up in these situations is beyond me!!! Boys boys boys... Ugh Why is being nice always translated into attraction? I should have learned my lesson by now I know. Still, common courtesy is not a way of me coming on to you! Grrr. It drives me crazy that I now have to break another poor bastards heart! Seriously... I'm going crazy!!!

I'm in love with one guy and sleeping with another... does life get anymore complicated?!!?!

embrace.

Sigh politics

Tis the season. One month from now we will know who is going to replace President Bush in the white house. Now is when the claws really seem to be coming out and things are starting to get dirty.

I've never been one to discuss politics. I'm a non-confrontational person so most of the time I just nod my head and smile and pretend I really care what you're talking about. I notice a trend that very few people's opinions differ from their parents. At least the people I know. Most parents raise their children to be little clones of themselves and discourage any independence, and that's what a lot of people end up being. I've started to enjoy political debates more these past few months. I don't however enjoy people who are obsessive about them.

I have an Uncle that has torn apart my family due to the fact that he is of a different political party then the majority of us. I choose not to discuss politics with my family because all it does is drive us all apart due to the fact that most of us are non-confrontational. I don't like it when people talk to me like I'm an idiot. I'm not, I know I'm not, so it is beyond insulting when people act like I am. I think it is the silliest thing in the world to be so sensitive about. Specially when it isn't even election season!!! We get it... Bush screwed up and so have the MAJORITY of Presidents before them, they're human give them a freaking break!!! There is no point to go around bashing him, cause you can't do much to change it once he is there...

I dunno much about politics, I'm slightly ashamed of this, but I know what my heart tells me and it says "Who gives a flying FUCK who I am voting for, that's my business and I don't need you judging me for that!" Being in Georgia has really opened my eyes. A kid in my class practically said no white people where going to vote for Obama because he is black and that that was the only reason black people would vote for him. So all white people in America are racist (see my blog on racism for my view on that) and all the black people are ignorant and think the country will be fine as long as it's got a black man running it.

Funny thought... will 'The Man' still be 'oppressing' the black if 'The Man' himself IS a black man.



embrace.

Is it possible?

Could it be? Could it really be? Am I? Are we?

I don't see how this could be, how could it happen to me? I doubt it has, but the possibility alone is shocking enough. I can't imagine the changes that might be ahead. Hopfully I wont have any changes to make. Hopfully I wont need to change everything in the near future. I hope I will be able to continue things as planned and not have my life turned upside down for one moments weakness. Please God!

My head feels like it's being pounded in with a sledge hammer. I have heartburn... I NEVER have heartburn!! Oh man. This blows. Gotta go back to the doctor and figure this out.

On a up note, I'm totally in love with Patrick Dempsey. I've been at my cousins house this weekend and watching Enchanted with their little girl... such a CUTE little flick. You can't help but get a goofy grin of awww how cute on your face! Their three year old has been talking all weekend about when she is going to have true loves first kiss. It's the cutest thing ever! I really love kids. They're so cute! I really don't want to have kids right now but sometime in the furture I want a whole little troupe of them! So cute! Not to mention how cute my kids will be! I love them! Adorable, but not for me right now.

Nausea really sucks too. Been sick for the past few days.

embrace.

At Last

At last the guilt is passing
I can finally look in the mirror
What I see no longer disgusts me
I see the truth reflected there.

Beauty is present
Exotic and unique
What lies covered before
now is revealed by grace.

No longer do I cringe
To see what is shown
I find myself relieved
To see a smile there.

Reaching to the eyes
The brightness is new
Often I am reminded
More often I forget.

There is nothing to this beauty
Nothing new or special
Just plain and simple
The way it has always been.

At last I can see it
What had been hiding behind
Truth is discovered
Nothing left but a smile.

embrace.

Confusion

Confusion...
I have it.

I'm not sure why I have it. I've been struggling with a strange sensastion the past few months. I have no words to describe it. Almost a strange dizzy unsteadiness mixed with a tingling in my torso. Previously I just thought it was something that was diet or maybe time of the month related because it wasn't a persistent issue. Lately though it has been very persistent. The only thing I could think of that would relate to this would be an inner ear issue, but I thought those were supposed to go away when you lie down and I have this all the time. From waking up in the morning to going to bed at night.

I'm becoming miserable with this sensation. I don't know how to describe it, everyone I try describing it to has no idea what I'm trying to communicate, so I don't know what I would even begin to say to a doctor about what it is. Then again no one I have talked to about this is actually a doctor so maybe a doctor would have a better idea.

Ugh confusion...
I have it.

embrace.

Epiphany!!!

I just had the biggest epiphany!
Doctors must hate the internet!!!!! With all the information out there these days, they must get people with a sprained ankle come in claiming they looked it up online and are positive they have arthritis and want a second opinion. I have to admit that I am guilty of doing this myself. More to the degree of, the doctor mentioned he is running a blood test for this and I'm not sure what it is exactly so lets read up on it and freak myself out!!!
I can't imagine how many people come in claiming the internet told them they have symptoms of cancer and want to know how long they have left to live!!
Ok thats exagerating a little... but I'm positiive at least one person in the whole wide world has done that. If not when I go to the doctors tomorrow I will do it!

Thats all for tonight. I'm sure I'll have an interesting post tomorrow about doctors and waiting rooms and peeing in cups!

embrace.

New ways for a new generation

Could things be anymore different than they used to be?
Here I am sitting in my room writing a post for my blog for all the world to read... Ten years ago did anyone know what a blog was? Five years ago even...
I've been thinking about how much as changed from generation to generation. Fifty years ago people were high school sweethearts and got married. Susan stayed home to take care of the family while Jim went off to work everyday. She would spend the day looking after the children and vacuuming in pearls and heels and manage to have a pot roast and a homemade apple pie on the table by 5 when he came home from work. He supports the family completely and they are never in want of anything.
Now... times have changed. Mom doesn't get the luxury of staying home anymore. Even if she just works part time she still has to help support the family at least a little. Meals are hardly ever consumed together and when they are more times than not the TV is on in the background. Kids go to school then come home and watch TV or play games on the computer. The isnt's such a thing as high school sweethearts anymore. People are falling in love without ever actually seeing one another (thanks to the internet). Premarital sex is no longer looked down on but expected and considered normal. Drugs are no longer something done in secret for fear of getting caught but done in public for all to see.
All that to say it's amazing how times change. I'm all for internet relationships providing that you go about them in a sensible safe manner... not of course he is who he says he is!!!! I met him on myspace! MYSPACE MOM! Everyone is who they say they are on myspace! Believe me, there is such a thing as being too trusting and I know that from experience... I find it fascinating that I will one day possibly be able to say 'oh yes, I met my husband over the internet. It was love at first type!'

Wow... side note, that was a really corn-ball moment there. Cold drugs must be affecting me...

I'm just fascinated! It's crazy! At the same time I wish at least some of the innocence of the past had been preserved. I wish that when my doctor asked me if I was sexually active and I said I 'No' that they actually believed me and not that I'm lying to keep my parents from finding anything out. I wish they also believed me when I said I don't drink or smoke. Some innocence must be preserved at some point or I hate to think of what the world will look like for my children...

embrace.

Who knew?

I went to the store today. I wore my newly acquired pro candidate shirt. We'll say Candidate *X* for all intensive purposes. I bought cold meds. (Ugh! I'm getting sick!!! SHIT!) As usual at the check out they asked for my ID due to the drugs being purchased. The guy was a TOTAL JERK. I said man I understand that this is a necessary evil because we don't need more meth heads on the street, but it means that it will take me that much longer to get home and take it and I'm sick and I'm tired and I just wanna go home...
So the guy looks at me and my Candidate *X* shirt and smirks and wont even make eye contact. He's very flippant and impatient with me. I'm thinking whatever give me my damn drugs and I'll be on my way. As I'm walking off I hear him start talking to the man that was behind me and saying I am a ____ and voting for Candidate *Y* and can't stand when people come through with pro Candidate *X* shirts come through.
Oh man it took everything I had not to march right back up to him and spit in his face for treating me so poorly over politics. UGH! This is one of the reasons I hate politics, it is dividing our country almost completely!!! Why don't we just quit wasting our time with all this and actually split up. 3 new nations. You get to move whereever your favorite politicians go. Democrats one side republicans on the other and a middle ground for the people who just can't make up their damn minds and wanna hop between the two.
I find it exhausting. Just leave me alone and let me run my own damn country.
I feel like hell... I'm going to bed.

embrace.

Enlighten Yourself!!!

So it occurred to me today that few people care to further their knowledge. I, personally, don't have a TV and I could care less from what country Brad and Angelina are adopting from this month. I love reading. Yes I admit, not all the books I read are by Dostoevsky or the like, some of the books I read are just books. Things that are quick reads, the kind that get you through a flight or a wait at a doctors office. What I really love though are the books that you can read only a chapter at a time just to work through the words and the plot. Sometimes I even have to chart out the books and keep my laptop near by so I can look words I don't know up.
It saddens me that people no longer read. They just want to sit and watch TV or play games on the Internet. Don't get me wrong, I love watching movies and am addicted to the computer, but I can't imagine a life without books. I'm constantly reading, even if it's just one page before I go to bed. With technology advancing as it is I think that reading will become less and less, and it's already almost non-existent. I thrive to extend my vocabulary one word each day. I honestly don't know half of the 'slang' terms out there. A friend called me over the weekend and asked me 'what's good?'. I'm assuming it's some sort of greeting like the ever popular what's goin' on, but at the time I was completely stumped. I don't want to sound pompous or arrogant but today's culture may know what 'what's good' means but understand what someone means when they say they are 'scrupulous about the way our culture is headed.' I'm baffled by it!!
Maybe it is just a part of the culture of the south or something... I know that our current education systems are lacking throughout, but I can't imagine not wanting to learn as much as you can about everything. I know that is in part due to the fact that I have a father who is a career student, I swear was in school more often than I was as a child. I know that improper grammar is a regional recognition of the south. I try my best not to correct people when they are speaking. I grew up with an English major, improper grammar was CONSTANTLY corrected, as a result I know how to speak properly and feel awkward when I don't.

My advice this evening is to read a book this month. If you 'don't have time' MAKE the time. You're knowledge and ultimately you're mind ('exercising' your brain regularly has been show to reduce chances of Alzheimer's) depend on it!!! Encourage those around you to turn off the TV and read. ANYTHING is better than switching into neutral and allowing your brain to melt away.

embrace.