Wow what a month! Holy crap I didn't realise how long it had been. I helped a friend move and went to go visit people that I haven't seen in ages, I feel like I haven't sat down for more than five minutes for the past few weeks. I'm always going going going, and I've still got more to go. I'm moving across the country! Ahhh! I haven't moved in so long that I forgot all that it takes to move and then get settled and everything else. I finally get to sit and reflect on the past month and take a deep breath. *sigh*
As I've been packing I've been doing major overhaul cleaning and purging of myself of all the useless stuff that just seems to spawn out of the walls and into your collections. Boy will there be some happy people at the Goodwill here in town. I think I'm giving away more clothes than I'm taking with me. I was cleaning out my drawers and was appaled to find how many shirts and clothes I didn't even know that I had because I hadn't worn them atleasy since high school if not before that! Clothes I knew I would never wear ever again or I knew wouldn't fit me (dear God was I ever really that tiny?).
I still feel that I have too much stuff. Does anyone need that much? I've found myself leaning more towards a minimalist lifestyle living off simply what I need. I don't need a TV cause, well frankly I have better things to do than fry my brain like I have for the past twenty years. Anyway I feel that living off as little as I can has been a very freeing expirience, nothing to worry about. It's been very wonderful ... I'll let you know how it progresses over time. For now though I must return to packing my past 8 years into little cradboard squares.
embrace.
26.6.08
19.5.08
Busy Busy Beavers
This week is the beginning my three weeks of crazyness. I will be a regular globe trotter hoping from one place to another, goodness only knows where I'll be tomorrow. I've been preparing for weeks trying to get all my things packed and ready to go. Whenever I leave my place I always do a major overhaul of cleaning, because the last thing I want to do is run around like a crazy person and then come home to filth and not have anytime to relax before I have to start cleaning again.
Over the past few crazy days, (two munchkin birthday parties, a bridal shower, and a wedding) I've been thinking about how great it is to be surrounded by people you love and enjoy. For me that is all I want in life. Surround myself with people that inspire me to do better things with my life and people that uplift me instead of those people that can only bring you down. It's a good goal to have.
embrace.
Over the past few crazy days, (two munchkin birthday parties, a bridal shower, and a wedding) I've been thinking about how great it is to be surrounded by people you love and enjoy. For me that is all I want in life. Surround myself with people that inspire me to do better things with my life and people that uplift me instead of those people that can only bring you down. It's a good goal to have.
embrace.
12.5.08
Used to think
So I used to think that it was so nice to be out of high school (I dropped out sophomore year). So glad that I was away from all the drama, that I could finally begin a life where what you wear and who you know and what you do don't matter. Boy was I ever wrong. I went shopping today, for the first time in ages, with a friend I've known since high school. We were browsing the 60% off rack and I found what I thought was a really funky fun shirt, and the moment I pointed it out I was shot down as being fasion senseless and all that implies. Now being one that could could care less about what I wear I wasn't phased but it made me realise that I still live in a world that is controlled by everything that high school is controlled by.
It's exhausting. I dropped out of high school to get away from that and here I realise some years later I just quickened my exposure to the same game only on a much much larger scale. It makes me sick that people spend so much time, not to mention so much MONEY on trying to impress others. Let me just say that the most impressive thing you can do is be your own damn person. Why do you have to be what other people think you should be. It's is a concept that I honestly cannot wrap my brain around. It's like trying to explain color to a blind person, they've never seen it so it is impossible to put it on a level they understand. I'm a blind person in the sense that I don't get why people find it to be such a big deal.
Sure I remember in middle school trying to impress the 'in' crowd. I bought many a pair of (gasp) flared bell bottoms to be accepted by anyone I could. When I got to high school I realized I don't give a shit anymore, I was so tired of trying to force my way into peoples groups. Now it is still the same. I can't stand the fact that everything is a status symbol.
My message to you for today is to just be whoever the fuck you what to be. If you want to wear a bright orange poncho and lime green shorts then wear it damnit! Who give a fucking hell if Paris Hilton or whoever wont wear it, you would so do it!
I'm done ranting.
embrace.
P.S. You're wondering if I bought the 'totally hideous' shirt aren't you .... you bet your ass I did.
It's exhausting. I dropped out of high school to get away from that and here I realise some years later I just quickened my exposure to the same game only on a much much larger scale. It makes me sick that people spend so much time, not to mention so much MONEY on trying to impress others. Let me just say that the most impressive thing you can do is be your own damn person. Why do you have to be what other people think you should be. It's is a concept that I honestly cannot wrap my brain around. It's like trying to explain color to a blind person, they've never seen it so it is impossible to put it on a level they understand. I'm a blind person in the sense that I don't get why people find it to be such a big deal.
Sure I remember in middle school trying to impress the 'in' crowd. I bought many a pair of (gasp) flared bell bottoms to be accepted by anyone I could. When I got to high school I realized I don't give a shit anymore, I was so tired of trying to force my way into peoples groups. Now it is still the same. I can't stand the fact that everything is a status symbol.
My message to you for today is to just be whoever the fuck you what to be. If you want to wear a bright orange poncho and lime green shorts then wear it damnit! Who give a fucking hell if Paris Hilton or whoever wont wear it, you would so do it!
I'm done ranting.
embrace.
P.S. You're wondering if I bought the 'totally hideous' shirt aren't you .... you bet your ass I did.
3.5.08
I've been thinking on emotions lately and how they impact our lives. Being raised in our society we come to use our emotions to guide us more times than not. I feel crappy I want to eat the whole pint of Ben & Jerry's, or I'm pissed I want to beat something to a pulp. Every decision we make is based upon how we feel about something, and due to that we have horrible consequences when things don't end up the way we thought they would because we're so emotionaly involved. I wish there were a way that we could keep them all seprate, only devote our emotions to things worth devoting them to. The very fact that emotion drives our decisions means the we take for granted the emotions we have. If everytime you say I love you to someone you don't really mean it, it lessens the value of the word in your life, and the lives of others around you. If we all take a step back and look at what we truly believe the word love means, then did we really fall in love with Timmy in the fifth grade?
I think that emotions are far to serious of a control device in our lives to be toyed with. Someone who has shown their true emotions and vulnerability to someone then been torn apart by that same person might feel that the emotions are not worth what you originally thought they were. Example:
Susy's family asked her grandparents to move in with them when their health started to decline. The grandparents accepted and the move was made. Of course there was an adjustment period for everything to come together and turn into a well oiled family machine. There was only one kink in the works, Susy's grandma. She came into the situation looking to be an authority figure and another person to help raise and form the children to her liking. Little did she know that was not the case. Susy tried to honor her parents choice and treat her grandma with respect opening up to her and letting her see the vulnerable side of her, a side very few people ever got to see. One day Susy was home sick from school and her grandma came up to ask her to walk to dog, Susy responded that she was sick and the was the last thing she wanted to do. Grandma proceeded to tell Susy that she was a worthless piece of crap with nothing redeamable about her, just a void in society as blank as a sheet of white paper.
See with Susy she opened up and shared what she was thinking was her true self with her grandma, her passions and her dreams. In one simple sentance her grandma threw that all out the window making it seem as though the way her emotions had been leading her had been pointless and void of all meaning.
I'm not saying don't rely on emotion, sometimes it's a good thing. All I mean to say is that maybe be cautious of where your emotions take you and who you share them with.
embrace.
I think that emotions are far to serious of a control device in our lives to be toyed with. Someone who has shown their true emotions and vulnerability to someone then been torn apart by that same person might feel that the emotions are not worth what you originally thought they were. Example:
Susy's family asked her grandparents to move in with them when their health started to decline. The grandparents accepted and the move was made. Of course there was an adjustment period for everything to come together and turn into a well oiled family machine. There was only one kink in the works, Susy's grandma. She came into the situation looking to be an authority figure and another person to help raise and form the children to her liking. Little did she know that was not the case. Susy tried to honor her parents choice and treat her grandma with respect opening up to her and letting her see the vulnerable side of her, a side very few people ever got to see. One day Susy was home sick from school and her grandma came up to ask her to walk to dog, Susy responded that she was sick and the was the last thing she wanted to do. Grandma proceeded to tell Susy that she was a worthless piece of crap with nothing redeamable about her, just a void in society as blank as a sheet of white paper.
See with Susy she opened up and shared what she was thinking was her true self with her grandma, her passions and her dreams. In one simple sentance her grandma threw that all out the window making it seem as though the way her emotions had been leading her had been pointless and void of all meaning.
I'm not saying don't rely on emotion, sometimes it's a good thing. All I mean to say is that maybe be cautious of where your emotions take you and who you share them with.
embrace.
26.4.08
Watching
Ever just sat and watched? Ever thought about being watched? How people would look at your life from the outside. Odd as it many seem I love to make up stories of strangers lives that I see on the street. I enjoy seeing the odd passerby and make up names and bonds between that person and their family. Then I sometimes wonder how my life seems to others. Am I a wounded soul living alone in a glorious apartment surrounding myself with things instead of people, or am I a new-age hippie buying only organic foods riding a bike instead of driving a car with a dog named Gandhi that I go hiking with every weekend? Of course this could be one of my many oddities that I seem to be alone in having.
This leads me to think about celebrities. The most industrious market out there and all we want to do is stick our noses in and pry our way into some sort of strange bond with these people we idolize. I remember the first time that my mother told me we need to pray for that celebrity because rumors (later found to be false) were saying they had a drug problem. I was shocked that she cared so much, that she felt the need to connect on such a personal level with a rumor. All life ever is is rumors and lies, no one tells the truth anymore. People who do tell the truth are socially and mentaly crucified, tossed about in conversation as the fake liers everyone else knows they are.
All things come around to the same thing, we're curious creatures by nature, and that curiostiy will never be quenched no matter how many tabs we read, or how many hussed gossips we listen to. We're always looking to prove that someone else is living a more miserable life than we are.
embrace.
This leads me to think about celebrities. The most industrious market out there and all we want to do is stick our noses in and pry our way into some sort of strange bond with these people we idolize. I remember the first time that my mother told me we need to pray for that celebrity because rumors (later found to be false) were saying they had a drug problem. I was shocked that she cared so much, that she felt the need to connect on such a personal level with a rumor. All life ever is is rumors and lies, no one tells the truth anymore. People who do tell the truth are socially and mentaly crucified, tossed about in conversation as the fake liers everyone else knows they are.
All things come around to the same thing, we're curious creatures by nature, and that curiostiy will never be quenched no matter how many tabs we read, or how many hussed gossips we listen to. We're always looking to prove that someone else is living a more miserable life than we are.
embrace.
16.4.08
Irritation
I have no idea what is going on. My blog keeps saying I'm posting on the 9th of April, however today happens to be the 16th. I find this annoying. So I guess that from now on I will be stating the date in my posts. Oh well, life is never easy is it?
So aside from the day to day hum drum of life nothing is happening on this side of the world. The only irronic thing that I have encountered lately is that people hire babysitters to care for their children in their absence, yet they often get upset when the children become attached and, depending on the parents, wish that the babysitters were their parents. I don't know what to say to this. How can you be upset with them for doing their jobs? And doing their jobs well I might add. I've heard so many horror stories I can't believe there is even a childcare industry anymore. I can't imagine leaving my children with anyone younger than 20, but maybe that is just me.
Today is an off day, combination of wacky weather and lack of sleep, my brain is slowly shutting down.
embrace.
So aside from the day to day hum drum of life nothing is happening on this side of the world. The only irronic thing that I have encountered lately is that people hire babysitters to care for their children in their absence, yet they often get upset when the children become attached and, depending on the parents, wish that the babysitters were their parents. I don't know what to say to this. How can you be upset with them for doing their jobs? And doing their jobs well I might add. I've heard so many horror stories I can't believe there is even a childcare industry anymore. I can't imagine leaving my children with anyone younger than 20, but maybe that is just me.
Today is an off day, combination of wacky weather and lack of sleep, my brain is slowly shutting down.
embrace.
9.4.08
I can see clearly now
I can see clearly.
The world is straight ahead.
Darkness is behind me.
Towards the light I am lead.
Escape the hellish bonds I had.
Create ones that are new.
Return to a steady pace.
Return to you.
Time is of the essence.
Not sure how long it will last.
Time is slipping towards me.
Time is slipping past.
On my own I make a path.
On my own I travel.
I can see clearly now.
I know not where I'm lead.
The world is straight ahead.
Darkness is behind me.
Towards the light I am lead.
Escape the hellish bonds I had.
Create ones that are new.
Return to a steady pace.
Return to you.
Time is of the essence.
Not sure how long it will last.
Time is slipping towards me.
Time is slipping past.
On my own I make a path.
On my own I travel.
I can see clearly now.
I know not where I'm lead.
Masks
Tonight I'm dwelling on masks and the many places we wear them. Earlier today I reconnected with an old friend from high school. After moving away with his family I only saw him twice over a period of about 5 years. To begin with it wasn't the strongest of friendships so it is understandable that we lost contact. In the time spent apart I've changed dramatically, and he's the same goofy guy he always was. It got me to thinking, how long did I wear the mask of 'innocence and perfection' while fooling myself I wasn't? Do you think that over time, putting on a facade to please others and decive their perceptions of you, you lose the line between who you feel like you are and what others see you as?
Over the past few years of 'growing up' or rather 'coming into my own', I feel like I have been slowly able to break the bond those old masks used to have over me. In high school I was the image of sweetness and like every good church going girl never swore, drank, or even so much thought of copulation let alone acted upon such thoughts. I felt like I had finally broken the mind numbing brain washing that took my parents years to create, like I had finally cast aside the little whelp of a person they had formed me into and become a stronger more independant woman because of it. God if only I had been able to grasp the fact that I had barely nicked the surface and that years later I would be explaining why I cast aside all that for who I really am. Had I only known how tightly and foolproof I had woven those masks into my own skin I would have known that the way I used to be would always be popping up trying to make itself known again.
Always I will strive to remove the mask, yet others will replace the mask upon my face for they fear their own mask more than mine. Realizing that living without the mask is possible will only terrify them more of the 'monster' they feel hides underneath.
embrace.
Over the past few years of 'growing up' or rather 'coming into my own', I feel like I have been slowly able to break the bond those old masks used to have over me. In high school I was the image of sweetness and like every good church going girl never swore, drank, or even so much thought of copulation let alone acted upon such thoughts. I felt like I had finally broken the mind numbing brain washing that took my parents years to create, like I had finally cast aside the little whelp of a person they had formed me into and become a stronger more independant woman because of it. God if only I had been able to grasp the fact that I had barely nicked the surface and that years later I would be explaining why I cast aside all that for who I really am. Had I only known how tightly and foolproof I had woven those masks into my own skin I would have known that the way I used to be would always be popping up trying to make itself known again.
Always I will strive to remove the mask, yet others will replace the mask upon my face for they fear their own mask more than mine. Realizing that living without the mask is possible will only terrify them more of the 'monster' they feel hides underneath.
embrace.
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