At last the guilt is passing
I can finally look in the mirror
What I see no longer disgusts me
I see the truth reflected there.
Beauty is present
Exotic and unique
What lies covered before
now is revealed by grace.
No longer do I cringe
To see what is shown
I find myself relieved
To see a smile there.
Reaching to the eyes
The brightness is new
Often I am reminded
More often I forget.
There is nothing to this beauty
Nothing new or special
Just plain and simple
The way it has always been.
At last I can see it
What had been hiding behind
Truth is discovered
Nothing left but a smile.
embrace.
1.10.08
30.9.08
Confusion
Confusion...
I have it.
I'm not sure why I have it. I've been struggling with a strange sensastion the past few months. I have no words to describe it. Almost a strange dizzy unsteadiness mixed with a tingling in my torso. Previously I just thought it was something that was diet or maybe time of the month related because it wasn't a persistent issue. Lately though it has been very persistent. The only thing I could think of that would relate to this would be an inner ear issue, but I thought those were supposed to go away when you lie down and I have this all the time. From waking up in the morning to going to bed at night.
I'm becoming miserable with this sensation. I don't know how to describe it, everyone I try describing it to has no idea what I'm trying to communicate, so I don't know what I would even begin to say to a doctor about what it is. Then again no one I have talked to about this is actually a doctor so maybe a doctor would have a better idea.
Ugh confusion...
I have it.
embrace.
I have it.
I'm not sure why I have it. I've been struggling with a strange sensastion the past few months. I have no words to describe it. Almost a strange dizzy unsteadiness mixed with a tingling in my torso. Previously I just thought it was something that was diet or maybe time of the month related because it wasn't a persistent issue. Lately though it has been very persistent. The only thing I could think of that would relate to this would be an inner ear issue, but I thought those were supposed to go away when you lie down and I have this all the time. From waking up in the morning to going to bed at night.
I'm becoming miserable with this sensation. I don't know how to describe it, everyone I try describing it to has no idea what I'm trying to communicate, so I don't know what I would even begin to say to a doctor about what it is. Then again no one I have talked to about this is actually a doctor so maybe a doctor would have a better idea.
Ugh confusion...
I have it.
embrace.
15.9.08
Epiphany!!!
I just had the biggest epiphany!
Doctors must hate the internet!!!!! With all the information out there these days, they must get people with a sprained ankle come in claiming they looked it up online and are positive they have arthritis and want a second opinion. I have to admit that I am guilty of doing this myself. More to the degree of, the doctor mentioned he is running a blood test for this and I'm not sure what it is exactly so lets read up on it and freak myself out!!!
I can't imagine how many people come in claiming the internet told them they have symptoms of cancer and want to know how long they have left to live!!
Ok thats exagerating a little... but I'm positiive at least one person in the whole wide world has done that. If not when I go to the doctors tomorrow I will do it!
Thats all for tonight. I'm sure I'll have an interesting post tomorrow about doctors and waiting rooms and peeing in cups!
embrace.
Doctors must hate the internet!!!!! With all the information out there these days, they must get people with a sprained ankle come in claiming they looked it up online and are positive they have arthritis and want a second opinion. I have to admit that I am guilty of doing this myself. More to the degree of, the doctor mentioned he is running a blood test for this and I'm not sure what it is exactly so lets read up on it and freak myself out!!!
I can't imagine how many people come in claiming the internet told them they have symptoms of cancer and want to know how long they have left to live!!
Ok thats exagerating a little... but I'm positiive at least one person in the whole wide world has done that. If not when I go to the doctors tomorrow I will do it!
Thats all for tonight. I'm sure I'll have an interesting post tomorrow about doctors and waiting rooms and peeing in cups!
embrace.
7.9.08
New ways for a new generation
Could things be anymore different than they used to be?
Here I am sitting in my room writing a post for my blog for all the world to read... Ten years ago did anyone know what a blog was? Five years ago even...
I've been thinking about how much as changed from generation to generation. Fifty years ago people were high school sweethearts and got married. Susan stayed home to take care of the family while Jim went off to work everyday. She would spend the day looking after the children and vacuuming in pearls and heels and manage to have a pot roast and a homemade apple pie on the table by 5 when he came home from work. He supports the family completely and they are never in want of anything.
Now... times have changed. Mom doesn't get the luxury of staying home anymore. Even if she just works part time she still has to help support the family at least a little. Meals are hardly ever consumed together and when they are more times than not the TV is on in the background. Kids go to school then come home and watch TV or play games on the computer. The isnt's such a thing as high school sweethearts anymore. People are falling in love without ever actually seeing one another (thanks to the internet). Premarital sex is no longer looked down on but expected and considered normal. Drugs are no longer something done in secret for fear of getting caught but done in public for all to see.
All that to say it's amazing how times change. I'm all for internet relationships providing that you go about them in a sensible safe manner... not of course he is who he says he is!!!! I met him on myspace! MYSPACE MOM! Everyone is who they say they are on myspace! Believe me, there is such a thing as being too trusting and I know that from experience... I find it fascinating that I will one day possibly be able to say 'oh yes, I met my husband over the internet. It was love at first type!'
Wow... side note, that was a really corn-ball moment there. Cold drugs must be affecting me...
I'm just fascinated! It's crazy! At the same time I wish at least some of the innocence of the past had been preserved. I wish that when my doctor asked me if I was sexually active and I said I 'No' that they actually believed me and not that I'm lying to keep my parents from finding anything out. I wish they also believed me when I said I don't drink or smoke. Some innocence must be preserved at some point or I hate to think of what the world will look like for my children...
embrace.
Here I am sitting in my room writing a post for my blog for all the world to read... Ten years ago did anyone know what a blog was? Five years ago even...
I've been thinking about how much as changed from generation to generation. Fifty years ago people were high school sweethearts and got married. Susan stayed home to take care of the family while Jim went off to work everyday. She would spend the day looking after the children and vacuuming in pearls and heels and manage to have a pot roast and a homemade apple pie on the table by 5 when he came home from work. He supports the family completely and they are never in want of anything.
Now... times have changed. Mom doesn't get the luxury of staying home anymore. Even if she just works part time she still has to help support the family at least a little. Meals are hardly ever consumed together and when they are more times than not the TV is on in the background. Kids go to school then come home and watch TV or play games on the computer. The isnt's such a thing as high school sweethearts anymore. People are falling in love without ever actually seeing one another (thanks to the internet). Premarital sex is no longer looked down on but expected and considered normal. Drugs are no longer something done in secret for fear of getting caught but done in public for all to see.
All that to say it's amazing how times change. I'm all for internet relationships providing that you go about them in a sensible safe manner... not of course he is who he says he is!!!! I met him on myspace! MYSPACE MOM! Everyone is who they say they are on myspace! Believe me, there is such a thing as being too trusting and I know that from experience... I find it fascinating that I will one day possibly be able to say 'oh yes, I met my husband over the internet. It was love at first type!'
Wow... side note, that was a really corn-ball moment there. Cold drugs must be affecting me...
I'm just fascinated! It's crazy! At the same time I wish at least some of the innocence of the past had been preserved. I wish that when my doctor asked me if I was sexually active and I said I 'No' that they actually believed me and not that I'm lying to keep my parents from finding anything out. I wish they also believed me when I said I don't drink or smoke. Some innocence must be preserved at some point or I hate to think of what the world will look like for my children...
embrace.
3.9.08
Who knew?
I went to the store today. I wore my newly acquired pro candidate shirt. We'll say Candidate *X* for all intensive purposes. I bought cold meds. (Ugh! I'm getting sick!!! SHIT!) As usual at the check out they asked for my ID due to the drugs being purchased. The guy was a TOTAL JERK. I said man I understand that this is a necessary evil because we don't need more meth heads on the street, but it means that it will take me that much longer to get home and take it and I'm sick and I'm tired and I just wanna go home...
So the guy looks at me and my Candidate *X* shirt and smirks and wont even make eye contact. He's very flippant and impatient with me. I'm thinking whatever give me my damn drugs and I'll be on my way. As I'm walking off I hear him start talking to the man that was behind me and saying I am a ____ and voting for Candidate *Y* and can't stand when people come through with pro Candidate *X* shirts come through.
Oh man it took everything I had not to march right back up to him and spit in his face for treating me so poorly over politics. UGH! This is one of the reasons I hate politics, it is dividing our country almost completely!!! Why don't we just quit wasting our time with all this and actually split up. 3 new nations. You get to move whereever your favorite politicians go. Democrats one side republicans on the other and a middle ground for the people who just can't make up their damn minds and wanna hop between the two.
I find it exhausting. Just leave me alone and let me run my own damn country.
I feel like hell... I'm going to bed.
embrace.
So the guy looks at me and my Candidate *X* shirt and smirks and wont even make eye contact. He's very flippant and impatient with me. I'm thinking whatever give me my damn drugs and I'll be on my way. As I'm walking off I hear him start talking to the man that was behind me and saying I am a ____ and voting for Candidate *Y* and can't stand when people come through with pro Candidate *X* shirts come through.
Oh man it took everything I had not to march right back up to him and spit in his face for treating me so poorly over politics. UGH! This is one of the reasons I hate politics, it is dividing our country almost completely!!! Why don't we just quit wasting our time with all this and actually split up. 3 new nations. You get to move whereever your favorite politicians go. Democrats one side republicans on the other and a middle ground for the people who just can't make up their damn minds and wanna hop between the two.
I find it exhausting. Just leave me alone and let me run my own damn country.
I feel like hell... I'm going to bed.
embrace.
26.8.08
Enlighten Yourself!!!
So it occurred to me today that few people care to further their knowledge. I, personally, don't have a TV and I could care less from what country Brad and Angelina are adopting from this month. I love reading. Yes I admit, not all the books I read are by Dostoevsky or the like, some of the books I read are just books. Things that are quick reads, the kind that get you through a flight or a wait at a doctors office. What I really love though are the books that you can read only a chapter at a time just to work through the words and the plot. Sometimes I even have to chart out the books and keep my laptop near by so I can look words I don't know up.
It saddens me that people no longer read. They just want to sit and watch TV or play games on the Internet. Don't get me wrong, I love watching movies and am addicted to the computer, but I can't imagine a life without books. I'm constantly reading, even if it's just one page before I go to bed. With technology advancing as it is I think that reading will become less and less, and it's already almost non-existent. I thrive to extend my vocabulary one word each day. I honestly don't know half of the 'slang' terms out there. A friend called me over the weekend and asked me 'what's good?'. I'm assuming it's some sort of greeting like the ever popular what's goin' on, but at the time I was completely stumped. I don't want to sound pompous or arrogant but today's culture may know what 'what's good' means but understand what someone means when they say they are 'scrupulous about the way our culture is headed.' I'm baffled by it!!
Maybe it is just a part of the culture of the south or something... I know that our current education systems are lacking throughout, but I can't imagine not wanting to learn as much as you can about everything. I know that is in part due to the fact that I have a father who is a career student, I swear was in school more often than I was as a child. I know that improper grammar is a regional recognition of the south. I try my best not to correct people when they are speaking. I grew up with an English major, improper grammar was CONSTANTLY corrected, as a result I know how to speak properly and feel awkward when I don't.
My advice this evening is to read a book this month. If you 'don't have time' MAKE the time. You're knowledge and ultimately you're mind ('exercising' your brain regularly has been show to reduce chances of Alzheimer's) depend on it!!! Encourage those around you to turn off the TV and read. ANYTHING is better than switching into neutral and allowing your brain to melt away.
embrace.
It saddens me that people no longer read. They just want to sit and watch TV or play games on the Internet. Don't get me wrong, I love watching movies and am addicted to the computer, but I can't imagine a life without books. I'm constantly reading, even if it's just one page before I go to bed. With technology advancing as it is I think that reading will become less and less, and it's already almost non-existent. I thrive to extend my vocabulary one word each day. I honestly don't know half of the 'slang' terms out there. A friend called me over the weekend and asked me 'what's good?'. I'm assuming it's some sort of greeting like the ever popular what's goin' on, but at the time I was completely stumped. I don't want to sound pompous or arrogant but today's culture may know what 'what's good' means but understand what someone means when they say they are 'scrupulous about the way our culture is headed.' I'm baffled by it!!
Maybe it is just a part of the culture of the south or something... I know that our current education systems are lacking throughout, but I can't imagine not wanting to learn as much as you can about everything. I know that is in part due to the fact that I have a father who is a career student, I swear was in school more often than I was as a child. I know that improper grammar is a regional recognition of the south. I try my best not to correct people when they are speaking. I grew up with an English major, improper grammar was CONSTANTLY corrected, as a result I know how to speak properly and feel awkward when I don't.
My advice this evening is to read a book this month. If you 'don't have time' MAKE the time. You're knowledge and ultimately you're mind ('exercising' your brain regularly has been show to reduce chances of Alzheimer's) depend on it!!! Encourage those around you to turn off the TV and read. ANYTHING is better than switching into neutral and allowing your brain to melt away.
embrace.
25.8.08
Wandering...
Wandering through the masses
faceless as they are
Traveling in circles
I don't know how far
Away from present nightmares
towards future ones I drive
Looking through the window
all I see is wide...
Wide open spaces
where one can roam freely
Wide open spaces
nowhere to hide.
I'm wishing for the answer
to this endless journey
Confused and bewildered
I see everything as blurry
Shapes and shadows
all the same
Nothing but grayness
in that picture frame.
I don't see people.
I don't see places.
I don't waste time searching for faces.
I'm fine with the commotion
of everyday life.
Watching from the window
at a very great height.
God is amused
with our daily pandering.
Leaving behind
lonesome meanderings.
The world is full
of mediocre people.
I want to see more
than a person
being true.
Ringing the doorbell
answering the call
We're back
where we started,
but we
never
left at all.
embrace.
faceless as they are
Traveling in circles
I don't know how far
Away from present nightmares
towards future ones I drive
Looking through the window
all I see is wide...
Wide open spaces
where one can roam freely
Wide open spaces
nowhere to hide.
I'm wishing for the answer
to this endless journey
Confused and bewildered
I see everything as blurry
Shapes and shadows
all the same
Nothing but grayness
in that picture frame.
I don't see people.
I don't see places.
I don't waste time searching for faces.
I'm fine with the commotion
of everyday life.
Watching from the window
at a very great height.
God is amused
with our daily pandering.
Leaving behind
lonesome meanderings.
The world is full
of mediocre people.
I want to see more
than a person
being true.
Ringing the doorbell
answering the call
We're back
where we started,
but we
never
left at all.
embrace.
24.8.08
Nostalgia and Racism
Racism... oh man. I could talk for hours on it. Does it still exists? Of course... but now more so against Middle Easterners and Hispanics. Are there still white supremacists out there? Oh God yes, much to the embarrassment of the nation. Here is my thing... we've had equal rights and all that fun stuff for how many years now? Yes, we are still 'weeding out' the last of the generations that remember racism at it's truest most hostile form, and by weeding out I mean waiting for them to die. What I don't understand is that there are people from MY generation that think we owe them something. They have no idea what it's like to protest and be sprayed down by a fire hose. They have no idea what it is like to have separate water fountains, bathrooms, and restaurants. Yet the 'white man' has still got them 'down'. I don't get it!!!
Where I'm from we don't have any issues with race or color. I have honestly never witnessed any problems with race or gender till I came to the south. Maybe being from the Midwest has something to do with it. I don't know. Now it's oh ... that man looks like he might be from Afghanistan... He's going to blow us all up!!!! Are you fucking kidding me? Just like the youth that walk and talk a certain way and dress a certain way are gang members with guns, people who wear turbans are suicide bombers... Now I live in an area heavily populated with Islamic and Muslim people. My mother was uncomfortable with the idea. I can honestly say these are some of the nicest most courteous people I have ever met.
I could play the 'race crad' and go to school for free, but that would almost feel like lying because I certainly don't look like the 1/8th creek indian that I am. Red hair, pale skin, and green eyes aren't a common trait among 'my people'. Do you honestly think I could walk onto a resevation and say 'how squanto'? You bet your damn ass I could, because I'm part of that. Just like african americans can say the "N"-word I can say, red skin or Apple or Casino-Owner because I'm one of them!!!! Racism is sooooooo 1940's, get with the times!! The world is warming up, the trash is piling higher and you're too busy trying not to be blown up by your next door neighbor. Hey he could be doing you a favor, that way yoyu don't have to be around when the economy crashes and we're all thrown back into the stoneage and the polar ice caps melt and we all die of solar radiation. It'll be a gas!
Ugh
On a lighter note...
My brother used to watch this show called "ReBoot" when we were kids. I totally just had a nostalgic moment thinking about it so I googled it and got this ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeBBzPAqWbM
I just about shit a solid gold brick when I found it. Holy cow. I had such a CRUSH on Enzo. and Frisket was soooooooo adorable. Totally naming my next dog Frisket!! Anyway, thats all for today :)
embrace.
Where I'm from we don't have any issues with race or color. I have honestly never witnessed any problems with race or gender till I came to the south. Maybe being from the Midwest has something to do with it. I don't know. Now it's oh ... that man looks like he might be from Afghanistan... He's going to blow us all up!!!! Are you fucking kidding me? Just like the youth that walk and talk a certain way and dress a certain way are gang members with guns, people who wear turbans are suicide bombers... Now I live in an area heavily populated with Islamic and Muslim people. My mother was uncomfortable with the idea. I can honestly say these are some of the nicest most courteous people I have ever met.
I could play the 'race crad' and go to school for free, but that would almost feel like lying because I certainly don't look like the 1/8th creek indian that I am. Red hair, pale skin, and green eyes aren't a common trait among 'my people'. Do you honestly think I could walk onto a resevation and say 'how squanto'? You bet your damn ass I could, because I'm part of that. Just like african americans can say the "N"-word I can say, red skin or Apple or Casino-Owner because I'm one of them!!!! Racism is sooooooo 1940's, get with the times!! The world is warming up, the trash is piling higher and you're too busy trying not to be blown up by your next door neighbor. Hey he could be doing you a favor, that way yoyu don't have to be around when the economy crashes and we're all thrown back into the stoneage and the polar ice caps melt and we all die of solar radiation. It'll be a gas!
Ugh
On a lighter note...
My brother used to watch this show called "ReBoot" when we were kids. I totally just had a nostalgic moment thinking about it so I googled it and got this ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeBBzPAqWbM
I just about shit a solid gold brick when I found it. Holy cow. I had such a CRUSH on Enzo. and Frisket was soooooooo adorable. Totally naming my next dog Frisket!! Anyway, thats all for today :)
embrace.
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